Re-discovering my confidence, my postpartum journey.

Hi friends,

It's been a while ... and I need to be honest with you, I haven't been inspired lately and consequently I haven't been writing and therefore, not posting here. I've started a few entries but can't seem to find my groove to finish them, or at least finish them to the standards that I would want to share them with all of you (who read this blog).

If you've seen me or talked to me in the last few months, since welcoming our newest addition home, you'll know that I've found the transition from one to two children extremely challenging. I'm an open book, there isn't much you'll ask me that I won't tell you. To me, life is too short to be too serious, too closed off and too protected (this is the the main reason I blog). So here I am, writing this post from a place of vulnerability and openness with the hopes of reconnecting with all of you.

I am currently reading Rachel Hollis' "Girl, Wash Your Face" and well, there is a reason people are raving and recommending this book, her words are relatable and inspiring. Reading this book has inspired me to sit down right now while both of my babies nap (god bless them for napping at the same time), and to start sharing with you today. What inspired me? Well, in the book (in one of the motherhood chapters) she writes "you can't fail at a job that you were created to do". You can't fail at a job that you were meant (created) to do. Wow. I cannot get this statement out of my head and I feel as if I was meant to read it when I did.

As I read this statement and thought about it (a lot) I started to unpack a lot of thoughts and emotions. I believe that everything happens for a reason and for me - reading this book and this statement was meant for me right now. I think I have been uninspired because I haven't felt motivated as a mother. That wasn't easy for me to admit or to write. I've had some challenging times that have made me second guess myself, my gut and my abilities. I like to think that I'm positive, try to look on the bright side and take things in stride, incorporating logic and pushing away emotions when I need to. However during my latest pregnancy and over the last two months since having Cruse I've struggled to maintain calm and I've struggled to be confident. I've found myself not wanting to make decisions (even about what to make for dinner) and second guessing parts of my relationships with my family and others. As I read these words "you can't fail at a job that you were created to do" I thought back to all of those moments over the past year where I felt less than confident about something that I did or thought - often after the fact. Then I thought about whether I would have done things differently and the truth of the matter is - no, I would not have. My gut was right then, I'm still the same person and we all have to weigh consequences of our decisions. The difference is that over the past months I failed to realize that I didn't "over" think these decisions while I was making them and that maybe I was too emotional and hard on myself without considering the fact that at the end of the day there really was no other alternative that would make sense for our family. I've spent way too much time focusing and playing on my negative emotions and thoughts (things out of my control even). I haven't been able to break this habit of negative talk and it has weighed me down with regret, too much worry and therefore leaving me unmotivated.

The decisions we make shape our lives and shape our children's lives. I'll never not worry that the decisions I'm making will have the right outcomes and impact on my children. But, from today forward, I promise to try to give myself the grace to remember that "you can't fail at a job that you were created to do". My gut will do us well. My weighed consequences will send me in the right direction. My strong emotional side will help me make empathetic, honest and heartfelt responses to any challenges. My tendency to "over" think, if I sway to the influence of logic, will help me to unpack my thoughts and decisions in the moment which will allow me to feel confident. Reading this statement and unpacking why it was such an a-ha moment for me has started to give me my confidence back, my happiness back and has helped to free me from some (not all) of the negativity that I had been carrying. I'll always be emotional, but that isn't a bad thing and I won't apologize for that or try to change that - but focusing on negative emotions has robbed me of times that could have been more joyful and present - and for that reason I knew something needed to change.

I know that this world is full of judgement, there are mom guilt issues and problems with the pressure of social media - but there is also community. and in motherhood we all do what we think is best for our families and for that we should be celebrated and appreciate the beauty of our differences. And don't forget that, because I hope not to, .....

"YOU CAN'T FAIL AT A JOB THAT YOU WERE CREATED TO DO."

- Rachel Hollis. Girl Wash Your Face

xo

Erica

#negativeselftalk #postpartum #motherhood #momlife #postpartumfeelings #negativepostpartum #transitiontofamilyoffour